Crafting Conversations & Communicating Effectively With the Matrix
When working with families and couples I use the matrix to guide their conversations and help them generate healthy & effective communication skills. The process is simple and modified versions of the matrix can be created and given to clients to practice outside of session.
Here we’ll take a look at two different scenarios and use the matrix to craft an overarching conversation that avoids pitfalls of harsh criticism, and defensiveness, and increases the likelihood of a collaborative outcome.
Prepping for Big Conversation
Adeena is a 15 year old girl, the only child of two parents who divorced when she was 10. In the past three years, her mother, who is her primary caregiver, has started a long-term relationship, gotten engaged, and married to a man with three teenage boys of his own.
Suddenly Adeena has siblings, and a step-father and a brand new house to accommodate them all, none of which she was truly prepared for. At first Adeena was happy for her mother, but now that it has been six months since the family has officially blended she’s been finding it difficult to process all of the thoughts and feelings she’s having.
To try to make things go a little more smoothly at home, Deena’s mom and step-dad have agreed to have a “family sit-down” each month where the family can (in theory) share their thoughts and feelings about how things have been going at home, and bring up any topics that they would like to be addressed.
The family sit-down has quickly become Adeena’s most dreaded occurrence. Every time they happen Adeena fades into the background and becomes quiet, responding to any questions monosyllabically and never sharing her actual thoughts or opinions. As a result, her parents run the show and monopolize the time in the meetings.
These family meetings are frequently discussed by Adeena with her school counselor. In Adeena’s view they are causing much more discomfort and awkwardness between herself and her parents.
Adeena’s school counselor has been working with Adeena using the ACT Matrix, and together they have analyzed the unworkable loops that form when Adeena withdraws from the conversations instead of participating fully. Adeena’s counselor then uses the matrix to help Adeena craft a conversation that allows her to express herself in a healthy and effective way, which also happens to be more vulnerable and feel more genuine. The idea is to give Adeena the tools necessary to express her thoughts, opinions, and needs in a way that opens up the opportunity that they are responded to appropriately.
Adeena’s counselor uses a modified version of the traditional matrix as seen above.
Step 1: In this matrix Adeena is instructed to begin in the lower left quadrant and reflect on the questions as they relate to her situation of now being a part of a blended family, having a step-father, etc. Further, she’s asked to think about what her fear is of what might happen here.
Step 2: Then moving up to the upper left quadrant Adeena analyzes what she typically does in the presence of this inner stuff, and any action urges she feels.
Step 3: The next step is to move to the lower right quadrant and clarify what is so important about how she is feeling. Does it make sense that she would feel this way, and if so why?
Step 4: Finally, in the upper right quadrant she’s tasked with thinking about what her hopes, wishes, or dreams are in regards to this family relationship, and then to think of what actions could—even in some small way—make this more of a reality.
Here’s what Adeena was able to come up with after one pass around this matrix.
Inner stuff - “At first I was happy that my mom was so happy, but I didn’t realize what having a step-father was really going to mean for me. I thought things were going to be like they were before.” “My fear is that I’m being left behind by my mom and that they care more about my step-brothers than they do me. I’m afraid that the relationship that we used to have is dying.”
Responses - “Anytime I see my step-dad I have this urge to just go back to my room. I hate it when my mom isn’t home. I just stay in my room and never come out.”
Importance - “It makes sense that I feel this way, I mean I was just 10 when my parents divorced, and I don’t even have a relationship with my dad anymore. It seemed like it was forever that it was just me and my mom. I care about this because I want me and my mom to be there for each other.”
Hope & Action - “I just wish that my mom and I still did things just the two of us more often. I do like my step-brothers and I have wanted to be a big sister, my dream is that they could actually come to me with their problems and let me give advice. I wish that my step-dad talked to me differently.”
Now Adeena has the framework for a more in depth and workable conversation with her family, one that she hasn’t been able to have before. Together, Adeena and her counselor roleplay this conversation to help Adeena familiarize herself with it and overcome some fears. Her counselor also helps Adeena tweak some of the phrasing to be clear and direct. They also work together on staging out the conversation and determining what order to present each piece of content in. At the end of the day, Adeena is prepared with the following conversational framework:
Stage 1 - State Importance: “I know that you’ve all seen a change in me, and I want to explain why, and more about how I’m feeling. . . Mom I care about you so much and I love the relationship that we have. . .”
Stage 2 - Inner Stuff: “At first I was happy that my mom was so happy, but I didn’t realize what having a step-father was really going to mean for me. I thought things were going to be like they were before.” “My fear is that I’m being left behind by my mom and that they care more about my step-brothers than they do me. I’m afraid that the relationship that we used to have is dying.”
Stage 3 - My Responses: “I know I stay in my room a lot, I just don’t feel comfortable in the house with just [step-dad] and the boys. . . I’d rather be out in the living room and stuff, I just haven’t been able to. . .”
Stage 4 - Hopes & Action: “Mom I wish we could do more things together, just you and me, like we used to. . . [step-dad] when you say things like this I feel. . .”
Adeena now has a workable conversation to present at the next family meeting. Assuming her family is responsive, they can work together to create new traditions, new ways of being with one another, and increase cohesion with each other simply by being more open and vulnerable.
Communicating Effectively
Creator of Collaborative Couple Therapy, and master couple’s therapist, Dan Wile says “Intimacy may be only a sentence away,” unfortunately so may be conflict.
Wile’s theory states that any single sentence or piece of communication can produce three outcomes between the speaker and listener. It can turn the listener into an ally, an enemy, or a stranger.
Saying what you mean in a clear, direct, and non critical way is an art form. Luckily, the same matrix from the scenario above can be used to create a single clear, direct, and informative sentence. It’s a style of speaking that takes practice and may sound odd at first, but when put into action creates a wonderful dynamic in any relationship.
Here’s a quick scenario of it in action:
Dan and Bryant are in a long-term relationship and have just recently moved in together. This new phase in their relationship has revealed a whole slew of things that each of them do that they were previously unaware of.
For example, Dan likes to listen to podcasts. . . without head phones. . . with the volume on his phone on max. There are times when this isn’t a problem and both are enjoying the same podcast together, but there are also times when Bryant would rather just have a moment of quiet.
Thus far Bryant has simply said nothing about this pet peeve, not wanting to be confrontational. The problem is that Bryant’s feelings have not been expressed, and therefore are being hidden. Over time this creates friction within Bryant and between he and Dan. While keeping his distaste for the podcast situation under wraps is easy when things are going well, there almost certainly will come a time when Bryant comes home from work stressed, frustrated, and hungry. In this moment, when Dan fires up a podcast Bryant’s response may be harsher than necessary. It might sound closer to “Jeeze, do you have to listen to that so loudly!”, rather than “Hey Dan, could you listen to that with headphones please?”
That’s where the matrix comes in.
One of the principle techniques in Collaborative Couple Therapy is reformatting and extending sentences to include a wider picture of what is being felt and hoped for.
In this case, Bryant can use this matrix to craft a few simple sentences that will avoid a blow-up, and turn Dan into an ally rather than an enemy or stranger.
Starting in the lower left quadrant, Bryant clarifies what he is feeling and what his fears are: “I’m so stressed from work right now. My fear is that I’m going to snap at Dan.”
Then he assesses what his response to his inner stuff is at the moment: “I’ve been keeping quiet about this, but secretly I want to throw your phone against the wall.”
He then thinks of the importance contained within this complaint: “I want us to be able to be honest with each other.”
And finally, his hope/wish/dream, of what can happen here: “There’s gotta be a compromise we can come to here.”
Now he crafts some statements that encapsulate all of this, and by doing so it inherently softens up the complaint and allows him to be heard and attended to.
Here’s how the conversation goes:
“Hey Dan, I had a terrible day at work today, and my fear is that this is going to sound like I’m biting your head off, but would it be possible to listen to your podcasts with headphones on, or with the volume lower?”
“Yeah, sure thing! Do you want to talk about your day?”
“I do, actually, but let me grab something to eat first, because I’m starving.”
[Later that day]
“This is gonna sound crazy, but I was stressing myself out so much about asking you to listen to your podcasts with headphones. Lot’s of times I don’t mind that you listen to your podcasts out loud but sometimes like today, I’m worried that I might throw your phone against the wall. I couldn’t figure out how to say it, and it was killing me, because it’s important that we are able to talk about everything. It’s silly, I know, but I’m committed to being open with you.”
“No, I totally understand. I’m just so used to listening to everything through speakers because I’ve lived alone for so long. Thank you for letting me know. Maybe I can get myself some of those fancy headphones like you have.”
While this scenario may be idealistic, much of it is pulled from real life interactions (both my own and clients I’ve worked with).
The key is to form a communicative statement that includes content from each quadrant of the matrix. When we run situations through the matrix it gives us some distance from the raw intensity of the experience.
When Bryant was finally able to communicate his feelings he opened up the opportunity for additional beautiful interactions with his partner (they had a wonderful talk about Bryant’s day at work).
Try playing around with the idea of crafting healthy conversations with the matrix and let me know how it works for you. The easiest way to do it is to start with your own relationships.