If I Woke Up Black Tomorrow. . . | On Race and Relationships
Personal Thoughts
I’m exhausted. The coronavirus didn’t slow me down, I am fortunate enough to live in an area of the country where both the virus and the panic regarding the virus was not widespread. My family and myself are healthy and safe. I was able to continue my work via telehealth, and had no loss of income.
In fact, I’m one of those people with the privilege and luxury to have been more productive during the pandemic. I started waking up at 5:30am every day and writing a book about the matrix, which I’m about 80% done with.
The recent murders across the U.S. of black men and women, as well as the long history of unconscionable acts, attitudes, and views towards black americans and other people of color have come to a boiling point for me. I am not doing well anymore.
The other day I went to a protest/march to support the black lives matter movement, and to reject and shame full-throatedly the very reality of life as an american. The very reality that millions of people face. The very reality that we all have to deal with.
This was my first protest, my first march, my first public stance toward anything really.
I am a small man, with a soft voice, so to be with about 2,000 other people all standing tall, and trying to make our voices heard is not exactly my natural habitat.
That night I went home not proud, or energized, or relieved, but disappointed, defeated, and beaten down. Not because protesting is ineffective, but because I know these actions in and of themselves will not create the change that we need. I wish it was that easy, but the work is unimaginably hard, and will be for so many more years. Change must come from as many directions as possible.
I can’t count how many times I’ve asked my clients to use their strengths to help build up an area of their life that needs improvement. We must harness what we do best to create the kind of change in our lives that we want. My strength is not in marching, shouting, or being a support for other POC in the quest for justice, even though I will continue to do all of those things.
My strength—maybe the only thing I’m really good at—is using the ACT Matrix, and creating novel tools to help people think about their lives.
So I need to use that strength, to help further a conversation, and seek a better more right and just reality.
Shifting Perspective From Whiteness to Blackness
How we relate to others is intimately connected with our ability to see into the soul of another person. We must be able to perceive others as common human beings, as living and breathing, and loving people who do matter. Who matter not because they have some value assigned by society, but because they have inherent worth.
When it comes to race, gender, sexuality, we shouldn’t have to think about what it would be like to be in that person’s shoes, or to have a father, mother, daughter, brother, son, etc., in order to care. But the fact of the matter is that shifting perspective in this way does light the spark of empathy. It is the cure for soul blindness.
So I’ve created a matrix for white and non-black POC to use that is specifically designed to illuminate racial issues from a different perspective than our own.
Getting Flexible
Let’s do a traditional ACT Matrix just to get flexible for a moment. Start in the bottom right hand quadrant and follow the arrows. Do it.
If I woke up black tomorrow. . .
There is a little talked about fact that all non-black people in america can agree on. And that is that our lives would be harder, more frightening, and we would suffer more in some way shape or form if we were black in this country. We know this to be true.
So take a look at the following matrix, follow the arrows, and answer the questions. Do it.
Reflect on these questions. Sit with it. Notice what shows up inside you when you read these questions.
This is all I know how to do. Share these with someone if you feel it might be useful. Use the questions that I’ve provided in any way you want.
If you’re looking to help
The easiest possible thing you can do to help the cause is to watch yourself and your own actions. Notice the function of what you’re doing.
All you ever have to do is support who is suffering. That’s it.
If you have fleeting thoughts like:
“All lives matter!”
“What about blue lives?”
“The rioters are giving the cause a bad name.”
All you have to do is go back to who is suffering and focus.
“All lives matter!” —> In what way can you support the groups who are suffering right now?
“Blue lives!” —> Are blue lives suffering right now? Who feels safer tonight, tomorrow, and in general? Who is more protected? In what way can you support the groups who are suffering right now?
“Looting and rioting is bad.” —> In what way can you support the groups who are suffering right now?
That’s what matters.